The Indy 500: One of the Best Weekends of My Life.

It was 1990; I was 14, and geared up to get my groove on. One of my best buds, Tim Venable invited me to go with him, his older sister Valerie and her boyfriend to the weekend long party that is the Indy 500. Having heard of the debauchery and chaos of the Snakepit, I decided this was an opportunity I could not miss.





Early Saturday morning we headed out on our trek a few hours south to Indianapolis. We stopped at a gas station for gas and snacks and I overheard a police office and the gas station worker laughing about the ridiculous crime the cop had just finished investigating. Apparently, someone had broken into the drive-thru window of a Dairy Queen, left the cash register untouched and sauntered away with a few bags of delicious Dilly Bars. Tim and I chuckled about what kind of weirdo would steal a bunch of Dilly Bars, even though it was supposed to be an extremely hot weekend.






MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” was our soundtrack as we laughed our way down I65 towards the stomping grounds of one of my heroes, David Letterman. We unpacked the car and headed to the party. All of the heavy hitters were already there. One of the first things we saw was Jim Nabors drunkenly singing while hanging outside his hotel room door. You know it’s a party when Gomer Pyle is ripped and there are titties flopping around all over the place. To this day, I have yet to see more pairs of breasts over the course of a weekend. Sure most of them were droopy and dilapidated, but to a 14 year-old kicking back with a few of those giant Old Style cans, I was in heaven.



Motorhead, hillbilly, tittie heaven.


The race was as boring as any multi-hour auto-race could be. Yes, auto racing is a sport, but I think trying to get from the loop to O'hare in less than 45 minutes is more difficult of a sport/ I slept off my hangover on the top of a car as Arie Luyendyk took the checkered flag. The only reason I remember the winner was because of the delicious irony of the winner being sponsored by Domino’s Pizza, as there were a bunch of Domino’s related speeding accidents at the time.







We returned home sunburned and exhausted from the exhilarating trip, and the biggest surprise of the trip had yet to come. The Dairy Queen Dilly Bar caper had easily been solved as the perpetrator enthusiastically confessed his crime of passion to me. If you know me well enough, you can easily solve the case too. The clues are right here for you. Every Memorial Day weekend I think about Tim and the great time we had down in Indy. I wish I could call Tim to reminisce and thank him again for taking me on such a fun trip and giving me one of the best weekends of my life. R.I.P Tim, I love and miss you brother.

Citizen Kano

This shit should be illegal. The Asylum is a company that has a business model that expects their customers to mistakenly buy their products. The Asylum is a film production and distribution company that produces "mockblusters". They learn of a movie with a significant amount of buzz and they produce a thinly veiled, low budgeted, and very similar tilted replica of the film. They write, film, distribute, and release their film in under two months, often releasing it a few days prior to the movie they are counterfeiting. These movies aren't parodies poking fun at their inspiration, they are complete rip-offs that are mostly seen because people do a search on Netflix and put the wrong movie in their queue. Sounds crazy right? It's not that crazy as it's been working for them for the better part of the decade. They typically turn a profit within the first three months of their film's release. I bet you're thinking "These movies can't be too similar to the films they are poorly replicating, right? Wrong.

Transmorphers (2007)
Note that the first sentence in their plot summary below isn't even a sentence.

Summary:
About a race of alien robots that have conquered Earth and forced humanity underground. After 400 years, a small group of humans develop a plan to defeat the mechanical invaders in the ultimate battle between man and machine

Don't run out and add this bad boy to your Netflix queue until you see the rest of their dumbfounding catalog.






I'm not even going to waste my time copying the plot summary.














Just throw a "s" on the end and they will never know.

Plot Summary:
A small band of resistance fighters battle the cyborgs that have taken control of the planet.










Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls (2008 video)


No, I'm not making these up.
















Plot Summary:
An anthropologist must unlock the code hidden in the works of Leonardo Da Vinci in order to find the greatest treasure ever, one that could change Christianity forever.




This one is my favorite:

Three of the first four Netflix reviews of it are people complaining that they were sent the wrong movie.






















If you have been clamoring for a new project from William Katt (The Greatest American Hero) since about 83', you can check him out in this.













Asylum claims they produce these movies as tie-ins that capitalize on a specific genre that they believe will interest people. They say the end game is to make some profitable movies such as these so they are able to finance some of their important, original material, such as:







Who doesn't want to see prolific thespians Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Llamas hone their craft in a movie about a Mega Shark fighting a giant octopus?













There are a bunch more of these already out there, and even more in production including "Titanic 2". I'm not sure how you make a sequel to Titanic, but they found a way. Double check the next time you add a movie to your queue or pick one off of a shelf, you may be getting duped into supporting this operation. If Asylum continues to profit from these it won't be long until they start making shitty sequels to their shitty movies.


























Too late.

New School Jam of the Week: Cypress Hill - "Armada Latina"

I know new school and Cypress haven't gone together in a while. This is off their new record "Rise - Up", it's actually pretty good.

Funky Codpiece Video of the Week: Cameo's "Candy"

Surprising how well this video held up. Little known facts: The name Cameo represents the group, not just the codpiece loving lead vocalist. A few of the guys in the group went on to record and tour with Outkast.

Political Scandal of the Week: Elena Kagan: She isn't who we think she is, or is he?

Look at her. Just look at her. Uncomfortable, forced smile - check. Hands folded menacingly in an attempt to hide her true intentions - check. Tell me, does this "Elena Kagan' look like a person who has all of her cards on the table?

FACT: Gay rumors are swirling around that boxy little head. I would like it if Kagan is gay, that would probably spice up the Supreme Court chambers a bit. The real question here is; Why are there questions regarding "her" affinity for women. Why?

FACT: No sane person would willfully finance the new Brendan Fraser film "Furry Vengeance" for $35,000,000, unless they of course had strong political ties, and a yet undiscovered, sinister agenda.

FACT: From 1995 to 1999 "Elena Kagan" served as President Bill Clinton's Associate White House Counsel and Deputy Assistant to the President for Domestic Policy and Deputy Director of the Domestic Policy Council. While serving in that position, Kagan co-authored a May 13, 1997 memo to the President urging him to support a ban on late-term abortions.

FACT: From 1995 to 2001 Brendan Fraser had an unprecedented run appearing in some of both the highest budgeted and lowest quality films: George of the Jungle (1997), Blast from the Past (1999), Dudley Do-Right (1999), and Monkeybone (2001). What kind of powerful political force could convince studios to continue to produce these lackluster films. Conveniently, they were produced during Kagan's tenure in the White House.

FACT: Brendan Fraser has stated numerous times in different interview that Mrs. Doubtfire is one of his favorite movies of all time, and with good reason.

It doesn't take a batcomputer to figure out what's really going on here. There is no "Elena Kagan". Brendan Fraser has dressed himself in drag (ala Mrs. Doubtfire) and spent the last fifteen years putting forth the performance of his life while living a double life to gain the political connections to continue to get his shitty movies financed.


Brendan Fraser is "Elena Kagan".



Just look at him.

Hero of the Week: The Ed Grimley looking dude that got tasered at the Phillies game.

Let’s begin by starting with the facts. It takes Ditka sized balls to run out onto a baseball field. Way to get that graphic in there guys! I offer my brother $50 to run out onto the field at almost every baseball game I attend, and he always declines. This is a man, mind you, that was willing to let me taser him, and let his body collapse into the cold Chicago snow for $20. Fearing the wrath of my parents, I decided it would be best not to tase him, but he was willing. So, according to my brother, the fearless act of running onto a baseball field is at least 2.5 riskier than getting tasered. But this isn’t why he’s my hero.

How adorable is it that he called his dad before he ran out on the field? His dad told him it probably wasn’t the best idea, but he did it anyway. By all accounts, he was stone cold sober, which makes it even ballsier. The fact that it was at a Phillies game also adds an element of excitement. These are the same fans that booed the Easter Bunny, threw snowballs at Santa, and cheered when a mangled Michael Irvin lay motionless on the turf. His bravado still isn’t the main reason why I found this so special.

That picture! It’s fantastic. It’s a metaphor for what a lot of people would argue our country is about: The struggle vs. the Man. That poor, chubby, little security guard/cop churning his pudgy little legs for a solid ten seconds before he thinks “I’m just gonna’ tase this fucker’. This iconic kind of image may open up a dialogue on the proper reasons for tasing people. Your average sports fan’s heart and an unexpected 50,00 watts of raw electricity isn’t exactly a recipe for success. Amnesty International reports that there have been 334 taser related deaths between 2001 – 2008. If they keep tasing sports fans that run out onto the field, it’s only a matter of time before some poor schlub who has had 9 beers, 2 dogs and a steak sandwich gets tasered, and doesn’t get up.

With great power, comes shitty sequels.

I took the day off work to take the boy to see Iron Man 2 for his birthday. He was all Iron Manned up and we were both really excited to see the movie. It's hard to believe that I could be dissapointed with a super hero movie that featured a little known Beastie Boy song, from my favorite record of all time and the Chicago White Sox adopted AC/DC fist-pumper "Thunderstruck", but here we are. Most of the action was visually tantalizing and slick , but I felt like they wrote the screenplay around the scenes they outlined. I think they thought more about the forthcoming sequels, and setting up for the Avengers. I know it’s a superhero movie, and I have no problem suspending disbelief, but it drives me nuts when irrational things happen in a movie. They wanted a battle scene with Iron Man vs. Whiplash at a race Track at Monaco, so:

SPOILERS:

We see Whiplash get the fake ID & tickets to Monaco; he was going there to attack Stark. Was Whip planning on attacking Tony Stark in the skybox where he was supposed to be? Doesn’t seem like it as Whip disguised himself as a pit crew member for the attack. Problem is, Tony made a last minute decision to drive his race car. They even show the ESPN style coverage scratch the expected driver and replace him with Stark. Everybody was shocked that Tony was going to drive, except Whiplash who we see planning the attack in Moscow.

That didn’t make sense.

I still don’t understand the whole thing where Tony’s father left him clues in the model to create some new element to save his life. Tony’s dad knew he would one day have this strange heart ailment and he would need this info to save himself?

Whacky.

I had a lot of problems with the events in this movie.

Apparently, pc security sucks in the Marvel Universe and everyone is an expert hacker. Whiplash hacks Hammer's government weapons contractor mainframe in about 5 seconds, then Black Widow hacks into what Whip was doing with the same ease. A shield agent was able to break into Tony's system and easily 'cut him off from communication with the outside world'. I guess he just disabled Firefox or something. So Tony walks around his pad swiping the air and manipulating everything and he doesn't have a wifi account somewhere? Maybe he can add that in his Mach V armor for part 3. I still don't understand why Shield found it necessary to cut him off from the outside world. A shield agent is able to hold Iron Man under house arrest with the threat of a taser? The ending bored the shit out of me too. It seemed like War Machine and the drones were chasing Iron Man for about 20 minutes, and then there was a very short final battle with a weak pay-off. At least we were treated with the fart sound effect when the bunker buster missile didn't work. Whiplash must be psychic because he absolutely seemed to know that missile was going to fail. Uh oh, Whiplash has set all of the drones to self-destruct. Iron Man (a) Knows, somehow that Pepper is in danger as she stands motionless next to a droid that is ominously beeping (b) Knows exactly where she is (c) Only has seconds to saves her, and easily does (d) All of the ridiculous statements above are true. I'm not one of these nerds who are going to be overly critical of casting choices but Sam Jackson is a terrible Nick Fury, I keep waiting for him to throw a mother fucker or two in there. You know you are in trouble when people would rather see Hasslehoff don the eye patch.





END SPOILERS:

I can't believe they killed off War Machine, bad decision. Oh wait, that was a spoiler. - EDIT (Move above with spoliers)
Staying for the surprise after the credits was a waste of time too.

I like most everything Jon Favreau has done, but I get the feeling he has grown complacent with the success of the first one. IM 1 was smart, charming, and realistic, especially for a superhero movie. I think Favreau and crew (writers) put forth a lackluster effort knowing how successful IM2 would be. It’s not a terrible movie, but with the strong cast (more Scarlett J in the skin tight body suit please) and the momentum from the IM 1, it was very disappointing.

See: Black Dynamite!

You have no excuse to not see this movie.

Arsenio plays 'Tastee Freeze' in it. Need I say more?

New School Jam of the Week: MF DOOM - Cellz

One of my favorite songs in the past few years. The Bukowski intro is long, but the pay-off is worth it. Maybe next time he plays Chicago he will actaully show up and not have an imposter lip synching.

Stroke of the Week: Faisal Shahzad!

You can't spell Faisal without FAIL, and what a colossal fail it was. Faisal Shahzad was woken abruptly from his American dream so he decided to go to terrorist’s summer school for a crash course in boom boom and make a mess. He made himself a little car bomb, parked it in Times Square, scampered away and waited for the horror he had so fiendishly orchestrated. It appears my man was using a rain soaked, incomplete, and poorly edited version of The Anarchist's Cookbook because his attempt left little more than a big smoke bomb and a lay-up for my inaugural stroke of the week award. I was making more effective bombs when I was twelve with a 2 liter of pop and tinfoil. Let's look at where the train went off the tracks.

1. It was easy to track down the car because he neglected to file off both of the VIN #'s. I do more research on one of my blog posts.
2. He used the wrong type of fertilizer. The customer service guys at Home Depot are always screwing me too.
3. He didn't exactly use cutting edge technology. Evan Kohlmann, a terrorism expert at Flashpoint Partners, was most struck by the amateurishness of what he calls "this so-called bomb." The alarm clocks designed to trigger the blast were 1960s-era technology. "Every terror group, every homegrown extremist cell, knows how to use remote detonators," he says. "It doesn't take a Ph.D. in electrical engineering." Beyond that, Kohlmann adds, its overall design ¬ clocks setting off fireworks to ignite gas and gasoline ¬ "doesn't exist outside of Tom and Jerry cartoons."
4. The SUV found in Times Square had been crammed with dozens of M-88 firecrackers, three gas-grill-like propane tanks (their on-off valves twisted shut). I had no problem procuring more powerful firecrackers when I was 10. Yes I grew up in Indiana, a few short miles from Krazy Kaplan's, but come on dude, M-88s?

What he should have done.

Shave that monobrow before taking the Facebook picture. He may have gotten a few more friends requests if he didn't look so damn creepy. Who knows, maybe one of his new internet friends could have filled his little black heart with happiness and he would have decided to do something better with his life like, I don't know, maybe be a good father to his two children.

NYC and Times Square are such cliché spots for a bomb. Doesn't anyone have an imagination anymore? Here are a few other bomb locations that I would have found more entertaining or fruitful:

American Idol studio - Seriously, who would really lose here? He could take out Seacrest, Simon, and all the hopefuls poorly singing other people's songs. I know without Seacrest we wouldn't have "Kepping up with the Karashsians" but I think we would survive. Millions of Americans could utilize the hours they spend licking the orange Cheeto dust off their fingers while they watch Idol and do something more productive like reading, exercising or having intense, engaging debates about the societal impact of shit like Nazi-like immigration laws. Sanjaya!

Any theater room showing "Furry Vengeance" - Who would of thought the statement "Wow, Brendan Frasier really fell off after Encino Man" would actually become accurate? I know about 60,000 people just couldn't wait to waddle their way into see this gem last Saturday, but at the 3,000 screens showing it an average of 8 times, we are talking an average of about 20 people in the theatre.

I do more research on a blog post than this knucklehead did for a terrorist plot that is going to have him getting his ass beat for a long, long time. I propose some kind of prison buddy system so we can pair him up with the prisoner who killed Dahmer.

They should ring up his wife as an accessory too. She knew what he was up to and she didn’t say shit. I read a story where the author speculated that he did this because his ‘life unraveled’. He had enough money to buy the pathfinder and other supplies for his lil’ smoke bomb. Maybe he should have taken that money, bought himself a hot-dog cart and tried to make some money like that Vietnam vet that reported the smoking car to the authorities. Enjoy your stay in Rikers and try the fruitcake, fruitcake.

Old School Jam of the Week: Gang Starr - Ex Girl to Next Girl

R.I.P GURU