I thought it would be fun to compile a list of facts, theories, and musings why the Cubs have sucked for such a long time. The Cubs haven't won a championship in 102 years, and it's clearly not going to happen this year so I decided 103 was a good number. 103 seems like a large number of items, but only a drop in the bucket when dealing with Cubs suckage. Please enjoy:
103. 1997 - Cubs set National League record by going 0-14 to start the season. They finish in last place with a 68-94 record.
102. They drafted Kerry Wood in 95, 13 picks before Roy Halladay. Cubs fans still refer to him incorrectly calling him Kerry Woods.
101. June 1, 1950 - Cubs trainer Andy Lotshaw is struck by lightning during a rain delay at Wrigley Field.
100. Obama knows what's up.
99. Who is Ryan Harvey? It's hard to tell as he is the only player in the 1st round of the 2003 draft without a Wikipedia page. The Cubs took him with the 6th pick in the 2003 draft.
98. July 23, 1962 - The first ever live U.S. sporting event televised in Europe, via satellite, is a Cubs 5-3 loss against the Phillies from Wrigley Field.
97. The American League has won all three of the All-Star games the Cubs have hosted. The last one was a rain delayed snooze fest that caused CBS to air "Rescue 911" during the delay.
96. What the fuck is a Luis Montanez? Oh he's the scrub the Cubs selected with the 3rd overall pick in 2000, who needs a Chase Utley, Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, Bobby Jenks, Brandon Webb, Clint Barmes, Jason Bay, Nate McLouth, or Ian Kinsler. Give us Montanez!
95. 1961 - 1962 - Cubs owner Phil Wrigley starts the “College of Coaches”, a revolving system of managers designed to win games. The Cubs go 123-193 under the failed plan.
94. April 1902 - Cubs rookie pitcher Jim St. Vrain runs down the third base line after hitting a ground ball. He was easily thrown out at first.
93. Who is this Bobby Brownlie that the Cubs selected in the 1st round in the 2002 draft? Wikipedia does not have an article with this exact name.
92. 1906 - Jimmy Sheckard boasts he will hit .400 against the White Sox in the World Series. He goes 0-21 ! The White Sox win the 1906 World Series 4 - 2 over the heavily favored Cubs.
91. Their current play by play guy (Len Kasper) sounds like Kermit the Frog.
90. Carlos Lee has 32 HR, 132 RBI!, and .404 BA in 112 games vs. the Cubs. He's on the Astros cubs fans.
89. In the 1989 draft the Cubs snapped up the franchise changing Earl Cunningham with the 7th pick, 1 pick after the Sox picked Frank Thomas.
88. In 2007 they picked Josh Vitters with the 3rd over all pick, 11 picks before Jason Heyward
87. They traded Dontrelle Willis and Julián Tavárez for Matt Clement and Antonio Alfonseca.
86. The lack of technology and creature comforts in the ballpark: It's not cute and reminiscent of yesteryear, it sucks. Let's look at the scoreboard for the replay, oh wait.
85. They have the worst fight song of any college or pro sports team.
84. August 1901 - Cubs pitcher Rube Waddell leaves the team and never returns explaining he was “going fishing.”
83. Cargo shorts clad skeletons of Cubs fans lay in their graves waiting for that elusive championship.
82. Wrigley Field is a dump. Some teams give bobble heads to the first 10,000 fans. At Wrigley, you have a chance of having concrete fall on you.
81. The Cubs got away with scalping their own tickets to their own fans!
80. They traded Rafael Palmero and Jamie Moyer for Mitch Williams. Palmero would go on to hit 569 HRs and allegedly bang Sandberg's wife.
79. If a tree branch falls on a electrical wire in Wrigleyville, can Cubs fans see the game? No, the lights go out and they lose the broadcast feed
78. July 3, 1999 - Cubs run out of pitchers and use first baseman Gary Gaetti on the mound in a crushing 21-8 defeat in Philadelphia.
77. They let one of the best pitchers of all time in Maddux walk because they thought Julián Tavárez could take his place for a little less dough. Maddux was the Cy Young winner next 3 years and won a ring in the process.
76. Have you actually hung around Wrigleyville during a game? It's a case study of 18 - 28 year drunken frat boys who have too much time on their hands. It's some Twilight Zone type shit. I saw Rod Serling standing outside of Cubby Bear greasing up his hair.
75. Sept 13 1942 - Cubs SS Lennie Merullo sets Major League record with 4 consecutive errors at the Boston Braves. His son was also born that day and Lennie names him “Boots”.
74. Wrigley smells of piss, yuppie, transplant, jackhole piss.
73. Ron Santo. Please put Santo in the hall of fame so he'll go away and stop having shitty documentaries about a slightly above average 3rd baseman who used to click his heels together.
72. I have a magic 8-ball I ask for advice, I asked if it the Cubs would ever win the world series, the glass broke and the liquid spilled on me and burned my skin.
71. Barney sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch. Barney.
70. Hitler was born the day the Cubs won their last world series, October 14, 1908.
69. They have had some of the worst broadcasters I have ever heard in Joe Carter and Chip Carray.
68. The 7th inning stretch guest singer isn't a tribute to Harry Carry, it's a who's who of horribleness.
67. In 1998 the Cubs drafted Ty Griffin with 9th overall one pick before Robin Ventura, 15 picks before Alex Fernandez. When I was 14 I sold my two Ty Griffin rookie cards to a middle-aged Cubs fan who owned a comic shop for $4 more than they are worth right now. I was happy to turn that $4 into some tacos. True story.
66. The Cubs drafted, released, resigned and then traded Jamie Moyer. I guess they thought he was done 20 years ago. 263 wins later my man Moyer is 47 and still getting the job done.
65. They had the best pitching prospect in a decade in Mark Prior fall to them because of money in 2001 and they destroyed his arm.
64. Cubs fans always argue that their team's popularity equates to success. That puts more demand on their inferior product and inflates the ticket prices. This is where your ticket money goes.
63. The Shaun-O-Meter never stayed above .269.
62. Cubs fans generally don't know much about baseball. Meet Scott, a 40 year old Cubs fan who loves, loves, loves him some Cubs. He was 37 when I informed him that hits aren't factored into ERA. He argued that a Cub pitcher had a high ERA because he gave up a lot of hits, but not many runs. There be a reason the acronym stands for Earned RUN average.
61. The food selection at Wrigley sucks.
60. The Cubs didn't have back to back winning seasons from 1973 to 2004.
59. April 16, 1948 - Cubs lose their first televised game to the Chicago White Sox 4-1.
58. The seats underneath the overhang are awful.
57. 72% of the people in attendance don't even know what team the Cubs are playing, 11% don't even realize they are at a Cubs game.
56. HBO produced a documentary titled Wait 'Til Next Year: The Saga of the Chicago Cubs". It's actually a very fun watch, especially for a Sox fan.
55. Soriano is a 20 Million dollar DH, even though they are in the NL.
54. The lack of facilities at Wrigley causes their beer to be warm and skunky.
53. They will never win a world series with a heavily weighted home day schedule.
52. Samardzija! They gave this guy a $10 million dollar signing bonus to pitch batting practice in the bigs and toil in the minors. Bo Jackson should get a free punch to the face for this picture alone.
51. Cub fan attire is sickening: Floppy hats, cargo shorts, and guys in sandals.
50. They shouldn't have fired Lee Elia. He may have had the most on-point press conference in Cubs history. PRINT IT!
49. They fired Steve Stone for telling it like it is.
48. 1987 - Cubs traded first ballot Hall of Famer Eckersley to Oakland for David Wilder, infielder Brian Guinn and right-handed pitcher Mark Leonette. Eck spent the next five years becoming the most dominant closer in the game and won the AL Cy Young Award and the American League's Most Valuable Player in 1992.
47. The Great Choke of 1969: The Cubs led the National League East by 5 games over the New York Mets on September 01, 1969. After going 3-11 the next two weeks, the Cubs trailed the New York Mets by 4 1/2 games whom had gone 13-4. The Mets went 24-8 from September 1st to the end of the season. The Cubs went 10-18 and went home. The "Miracle Mets" went 100-62 for the season and would go on and win the 1969 World Series 4 - 1 over the favored Baltimore Orioles.
46. The new owners the Rickets are a family full of nerds. The McCaskey comparisons are coming.
45. The Cubs biggest rival, the St. Louis Cardinals have been to the World Series 17 times and have won the championship 10 times, all since 1926.
44. The Cubs passed on Adam Dunn, Matt Holliday, Mark Buehrle, J.D. Drew, Felipe Lopez, Carlos Pena, Jeff Weaver, Brad Lidge, Aaron Rowand, Matt Thonrton, Austin Kerns, Carlos Beltran, Joe Nathan, and CC Sabathia in 1998 to draft Corey Patterson.
43. The sheep in left field used to celebrate wildly and spill skunk beer all over each other while Sammy pumped his steroid-filled legs as he ran onto into left field.
42. Sept 30, 1993 - April 29, 1997 - Cubs post no victories by a left handed starting pitcher.
41. 2005 1st round pick: Mark Pawelek!
40. Sammy Sosa is so embarrassed to be affiliated with the Cubs he dyed his skin white to disguise himself.
39. The Cubs waited decades to get lights. They finally did in 1998 and the big ceremony was rained out.
38. There is a reason boys town sprouted up around Wrigley. If that is what happens in the dugout I wonder what happens in the clubhouse?
37. Mayor Daily hates them.
36. 1975 - Cubs pitcher Eddie Solomon had such bad control, he threw a chair at a reporter that angered him and missed!
35. Mark Grace - The Cubs overall suckness of the 90's ruined the career of that decade's hit leader. He doesn't get any HOF talk and won't get a sniff. You have to respect any dude that bangs broads all night, runs through 1/2 a pack of Camels in the dugout and then huffs around the bases turning what should have been a triple into a double. He gets released from the Cub dungeon of despair and immediately wins a championship with the Diamondbacks, in their 7th year of existence. Yeah I liked Gracie so what?
34. They treat their fans like livestock and force them to piss in troughs.
33. Where can I park? I was trying to park by Wrigley two weeks ago and pulled into a lot and asked the attendant how much it was to park. $95! to park in a lot just south of the park. No I wasn't there for a game.
32. They have been a punch line for about 50 years.
31. That fucking song is so bad I get to list it twice.
30. Antonio Alfonseca had six more fingers on each hand then he had saves in 2000.
29. Two weeks before the 1907 World Series, the Chicago Cubs decided to go on a barnstorming tour, in which they stopped in Quincy, Illinois. The semi-professional team there, the Quincy Buds were part of the Illinois-Iowa League and finished their season with a win percentage of .500. To think that Chicago would succeed may have been certain, but Quincy proved them wrong. In mid-September 1907, the Buds upset the mighty Chicago Cubs 5-2. If it weren't for a couple of Quincy errors, the game might have been a shutout.
28. 1998 - The Cubs edge the San Francisco Giants in a one game playoff for the NL wild card 5-3 at Wrigley Field. They are immediately swept by the Atlanta Braves 3 - 0.
27. The last Cub to hit for cycle was Mark Grace in 93'. Felix pie and Gary Mathews Jr. have already done it for other teams.
26. The Cubs snapped up Mike Harkey 3 picks after Griffey Jr., 1 pick before Jack McDowell in the 87' draft. McDowell's music career was more prominent then Harkey's pitching career. Black Jack was such a force Biggie Smalls had rhymes about him. On September 6, 1992, during pregame warm-ups, Mike harked attempted a cartwheel in the Wrigley Field outfield, severely damaging his knee.
25. Halley's comet has been visible from Earth since their last championship, twice.
24. We Trusty in Dusty!
23. Bartman! Their own fans screw them.
22. Sammy Sosa got caught cheating, twice, in 2 different ways.
21. Carlos Zambrano is a legitimately crazy $20 Million dollar a year set up guy, with a 7 ERA. He's on the books for the next 3 years.
20. Sammy Sosa, one of their most revered players in the 25 years is now hated, and justifiably so.
19. May 04, 1960 - Cubs hire their broadcaster Lou Boudreau as their new manager during a game he was announcing! The Cubs win the game 5-1 over the Pittsburgh Pirates. However, the Cubs go 60-94 for the season and Lou goes back to the booth in 1961.
18. With so many shitty seasons and corresponding high draft picks you would think at least some of them would pan out. They haven't.
17. They couldn't finish off the furry armed Steve Garvey and the Padres in 84'. In the short five game series, the Cubs jumped out to a 2 - 0 lead. The Cubs needed to win just ONE GAME in the next three games to win the NLCS and try to win their first World Series in 76 years. They blew all three.
16. The Cubs are arguably the worst team in baseball, yet they have the highest ticket prices. Keep gloating about how popular the Cubs are. The fact that people migrate to Chicago from all over the midwest, and want to go to Cubs games for the party makes you pay more for your tickets. Enjoy!
15. They drafted World Series winning pitcher Jon Garland with the 10th overall pick and traded him to the White Sox for below average reliever Matt Karchner.
14. The Pirates have had one of the miserable runs in baseball history not having a winning season since 1992. The Pirates are 7 - 2 vs. the Cubs this year.
13. In the 1990 draft the Cubs selected Doug Glanville, 1 pick before Manny Ramirez
12. Lee Smith, the team's career leader in saves was traded to the Boston Red Sox for pitchers Al Nipper and Calvin Schiraldi. Nipper pitched only 104 more innings in the majors, and Schiraldi was out of baseball before age 30. Smith, meanwhile, registered nearly 300 saves after the trade.
11. Cardinal players are so distraught with having to go to Wrigley they mysteriously wind up dead in their Chicago hotel rooms.
10. Alloooooouuuuu - That crybaby's antics ruined Steve Bartman's life.
9. The Cubs were so bad in 88' they held a Popeye look-a-like night, Don Zimmer won, and they made him manager.
8. What does is say about Cubs fans when Jim Belushi is one of their most visible fans? He has to keep working to buy the tickets and we all lose. We all lose.
7. The Lou Brock trade - June 15, 1964 - WORST TRADE EVER! - Hall of Famer Lou Brock was signed by the Cubs as a free agent in 1960 and started in 1962. Billy Williams said of Lou Brock, "The best player I ever saw. I'm so glad he's on our team!" However, the Cubs organization wasn't happy with Lou and traded him to the St. Louis Cardinals for pitchers Ernie Broglio and Bobby Shantz, and outfielder Doug Clemens. Lou Brock hits .348, steals 38 bases AND the St. Louis Cardinals go on and WIN the 1964 World Series. Almost 50 years later, it is considered one of the worst trades in sports history.
6. They are not the White Sox.
5. The Cubs were the first team to draft Tim Lincecum in the 2003 draft. The Cubs didn't think they should meet Lincecum's demands, so he never signed with the team. Lincecum has won the Cy Young award in 2 of his first 3 professional seasons.
4. Their play-off record since the Bartman game is 0 - 8.
3. They needed help to even get to the 1908 World Series. Merkle's "Boner": On September 23, 1908, the Cubs and New York Giants were involved in a tight pennant race. The two clubs were tied in the bottom of the ninth inning at the Polo Grounds, and N.Y. had runners on first and third and two outs when Al Bridwell singled, scoring Moose McCormick from third with the Giants' apparent winning run, but the runner on first base, rookie Fred Merkle, went half way to second and then sprinted to the clubhouse after McCormick touched home plate. As fans swarmed the field, Cub infielder Johnny Evers retrieved the ball and touched second. Since there were 2 outs, a force-out was called at second base, ending the inning and the game. Because of the tie the Giants and Cubs ended up tied for first place. The Giants lost the ensuing one-game playoff and the Cubs went on to the World Series.
2. Ronnie Woo Woo
1. The Cubs are 0 - 7 in their seven World Series appearances since 1908; 1910,1918,1929,1932, 1935, 1938, 1945.
I hope you enjoyed my list. Feel free to send me any of the hundreds of thousands other reasons I may have missed. My intention is to pass this list down to my children and their great great grandchildren so they can add to the list all of the Cub suckiness that has yet to come. Special thanks to Lake Coast Print for some of the graphic work, and Cubssuckclub.com for some of the content.
Enjoy the games this weekend. Hopefully Wrigley Field doesn't crumble to the ground while some of my Sox fan brethren are there enjoying the slaughter.
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